“It takes three to make love, not two: you, your spouse, and God. Without God, people only succeed in bringing out the worst in one another.” – Fulton J. Sheen
Marriage is a divine gift designed to reflect God’s love and commitment. However, even in the most loving relationships, toxic conversations can creep in, creating a cycle of frustration and hurt. These “chronic conversations” can feel exhausting, but they are opportunities to grow closer to your spouse and honour God. Colossians 3 offers profound guidance for tackling these challenges with grace, patience, and love.
- Check Your Ego at the Door
Toxic conversations often arise when pride takes the wheel. It’s tempting to focus on your spouse’s faults, but Colossians 3:7 reminds us: “In these you too once walked, when you were living in them.” We’ve all sinned and fallen short, offending God with our words and actions. Remember, your spouse isn’t perfect, but neither are you.
Reflection: Before addressing an issue, pray for humility. Ask God to help you approach the conversation with a heart free of blame and self-righteousness.
Practical Tip: Replace accusations with “I” statements. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen,” try, “I feel unheard when…”
- Just the Facts
Exaggerations like “You always” or “You never” only fuel toxic conversations. Colossians 3:9 exhorts us, “Do not lie to one another.” Be truthful, but also honest about your feelings. Avoid hiding your hurts to “keep the peace,” as unresolved emotions can fester.
Reflection: Evaluate your words for accuracy and fairness. Are you embellishing to make your point stronger?
Practical Tip: When discussing a chronic issue, stick to specific examples and explain how they made you feel. For example, “When you forgot our plans last week, it made me feel unimportant.”
- Never, Never, Never, NEVER Give Up
Marriage is a lifelong covenant, and some conversations may resurface repeatedly. Colossians 3:13 encourages us: “Bear with one another and forgive each other, as the Lord has forgiven you.” As Ruth Bell Graham wisely said, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”
Note that perseverance doesn’t guarantee instant change in your spouse but ensures the peace of Christ will reign in your heart as you walk in obedience.
Reflection: Consider the long-term vision for your marriage. Are you willing to persevere, trusting God to work in both your hearts?
Practical Tip: When frustrated by recurring issues, take a moment to pray together, asking for God’s guidance and unity in your marriage.
- Apply the Healing Balm of Love
Addressing toxic patterns can be as painful as treating an infection. The process may involve opening wounds to allow healing. Colossians 3:14 urges us to “put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” Love is the sutures that hold the relationship together through difficult conversations.
Reflection: Are your words and actions motivated by love or frustration? Ensure your goal is healing, not winning an argument.
Practical Tip: End difficult conversations with affirmations. Express gratitude for your spouse’s willingness to engage and affirm your commitment to the marriage.
- Thank God in All Things
Sometimes we concentrate too much on the negative and forget the positive attributes our partners bring into the relationship.
Gratitude transforms our perspective and invites God’s presence into our struggles. Colossians 3:16 emphasizes the power of thankfulness: “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly…with thankfulness in your hearts to God.”
Reflection: How often do you thank God for your spouse and your marriage, even in times of conflict?
Practical Tip: After a challenging discussion, take time to individually or jointly thank God. Play worship music or meditate on Scripture to refocus your heart on His faithfulness.
Final Thoughts
Chronic conversations can feel daunting and repetitive, but they can be used constructively. God uses such moments to refine us, deepen our commitment, and draw us closer to His vision for marriage. Colossians 3:17 reminds us: “And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”
By checking our egos, speaking truthfully, persevering with patience, applying love, and cultivating gratitude, we can turn toxic conversations into transformative moments of growth and unity.
