By Maina, T.E.N.

At around twelve years of age, some well behaved children start behaving badly causing a lot of concern to the parent(s). This stage marks the onset of puberty, for both boys and girls. (It may come earlier for girls). It is the beginning of the transition period from childhood to adulthood also called adolescence and it comes with a myriad of problems.

The adolescent, starts imagining and demanding freedom or autonomy from parental control. As time goes by, he/she wants to regulate their own behavior, and to make decisions. The parent on the other hand views the adolescent as childish and too inexperienced to be left free as he/she demands. Both the society and the parent(s) confuse the adolescent all the more with statements such as” why are you behaving like a child, don’t you realize that now you are a grown up?” or when the older siblings tease the adolescent, the parents/society will tell them stop teasing so and so. “Don’t you realize he/she is still a child?”

The adolescent is already suffering identity crises relating to sexual life, emotional adjustment, and values. In some cases, the parents too are in the same boat! Both the parents and the adolescent are questioning their changing sexual identity during middle age and adolescence respectively. The bodily changes at puberty receive the focus of the adolescent at all times and he or she must adjust to the new sexuality. The parents also may be undergoing body changes. The mother may be approaching menopause and the father may be having an identity crisis.

For the mother and the adolescent, both are experiencing hormonal changes that are completely alien, and not experienced before. Age and child bearing may have taken their toll on the mother’s physical appearance and she observes with envy the beautiful image of her teenage daughter, smooth skin and beautiful hair at the full bloom of her youth.

She compares her personal appearance to that of her daughter and envy may set in, which may result to some hatred and insensitivity to the demands of the daughter. This partly explains why mother-daughter conflicts are more frequent than mother-son conflicts

Fathers too have identical crises in sexual performance (loss of potency) greying hair, baldness and loss of physical charm and they may envy their sons who are blooming in all areas. Their resentment in the diminishing manhood may result in being hostile to their sons when they come with certain demands. Both the parent and the adolescents are experiencing crises of role in the society. The adolescent at the later stage has concern over his/her career and his/her life partners. At the same time, the parents are striving to improve their status. Some time they fail and end up forcing the adolescent into certain careers they would have wished to hold. This is a possible cause of parent adolescent conflict.

As the adolescent grows older, he or she wants complete autonomy while the parents are not ready to grant it. This raises the authority crises. Remember, during childhood, the parents’ authority is final, but at adolescence the master-servant relationship must change to egalitarianism (more democratic relationship where the opinion of each is taken into account). If the parents continue treating the adolescent like a child, a recipe of parent-adolescent conflict is in the offing.)

The two stages of life, i.e. middle age for parents and puberty for the adolescent demand drastic emotional re-adjustment. The adolescent wants to become an individual in his/her own right, i.e. development of self as a unique person separate from parents and others (individuation). They at this time have little and no respect for the parental intervention well intended as it may be. They regard it as unnecessary intrusion into their lives.

If the parents deny the adolescent the freedom he/she requires, he/she will feel hurt and resentful and may result in conflict with the parents. While the adolescents want independence, some parents encourage dependence hindering maturity of the adolescents. This is termed as dependency-independency crisis. It must be resolved in such a way that parents and children remain friends. (Rice 1990).

Discipline is biblical. The Bible says. “He who spares the rod hates his son but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” Proverbs 13.:24 .However but it should be instilled with a lot of love, care and wisdom.

Maina T.E.N runs Kokkina Counselling Centre and specializes in youth, parenting and education. He is a former Senior Principal with Bachelor of Education (Oxford) and a Post Graduate diploma in Guidance and Counselling at the Kenyatta University. Contacts: 254-725-109821/ 254-733-273572

This article first appeared in the March – April  2010 issue of Woman of Faith magazine.

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